Hogwarts Exposed PARODY
by Princess Link
Summary: When Harry and Hermione agreed to teach at Hogwarts, they never expected to teach a nudist. Rated for language and nudity.
1. chapter 1

**Hey, I'm back, and welcome to the first chaper of my Hogwarts Exposed parody!**

Hogwarts Exposed PARODY

Chapter 1

Memories of the Way We Were

"Why did I agree to this?" Hermione Granger asked herself as she searched for a compartment.

"Eleven years," she mused with a small smile.

That was how long ago she had met her wonderful boyfriend of six years, Ron Weasley, and her best friend, Harry Potter. She would be leaving Ron alone for a year to teach Transfiguration at her old school, Hogwarts. She was considered the smartest switch of her generation, so it seemed only natural that she'd become a teacher. But, what her seventeen-year-old self would be ashamed of was her growing intrest in politics. She hoped to improve the Ministry of Magic, even more then it had improved under Kingsley Shacklebolt. Unless, of course, Shacklebolt improved it too much.

After locating a compartment, her thoughts returned to Ron.

"He's an Auror, he can take care of himself," she mumbled, "He can barely make instant ramen, he'll starve. No, he's got his mum for that."

She groaned and burried her head in her hands.

"Hey, is it okay if I sit here?"

Hermione looked up to see a red-haired woman holding a black haired toddler.

"Ginny!" Hermione shouted, jumping up, "What are you doing here!? Is that James? Is Harry here?"

Ginny laughed, "Yes, this is James. Harry's looking for the Trolley Witch. He's going to be teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts, and since Madam Hooch retired last year, I'll be in charge of flying lessons for the First Years."

Suddenly, the compartment door flew open. A short witch with elbow-length white hair ran in holding a cassarole in one hand and clutching a black kitten to her chest with the other. She tripped and grabbed the curtain to steady herself, pulling the curtain rod down.

"Selena!?" Ginny shouted, "What are you doing here!?"

"Draco Malfoy," Selena panted, "And I hate Khloe Kardashian."

"Draco Malfoy?" Hermione asked.

"Draco Malfoy," Selena confirmed.

"Who's Khloe Kardasian?" Ginny asked.

Selena and Hermione made a face as Selena ate her cotton candy cassarole (don't ask).

"Anyway, why's Malfoy important?" Ginny asked.

"Oh, he always bullied me when we were in school," Selena explained, "He's a boomy hole."

"Huh?" Ginny asked.

"An arse cave."

Selena wore a Blue Exorcist t-shirt, a black skirt, black boots with pink laces, and black fingerless gloves. Her wand was on the lid of her cassarole, and she had a cat backpack. She pulled out a book about Andy Cohen.

"What're you doing here?" Ginny asked.

"Well, I was on vacation in Barcelona, when I got an owl from Professor McGonagall asking me to teach Niggle Studies," Selena explained, putting on some chapstick.

For the three young women, time seemed to fly. Before they knew it, they were at Hogwarts. Selena and Hermione tried to explain Study Island to Ginny.

"Where's Harry?" Ginny asked.

Suddenly, Neville Longbottom jumped out with a boombox.

"Hey, guys," he said dancing with fingerless gloves also.

"Where's Harry?" Ginny asked worriedly.

"Oh, he got lost," Neville said.

"So, why's Malfoy here?" Ginny asked Selena.

"Teachin' Potions," Selena said.

"Why?" Hermione asked angrily, "I mean, I know his family betrayed Voldemort, but still..."

"Who else is here?" Ginny asked Neville.

"Well, Hagrid and Trelawney are still here, and Selena's sister is teaching Charms. Charlie Weasley is Hagrid's assistant, and they're really close. And there's McGonagall and Binns," Neville explained.

"Binns is still here?" Ginny asked disgustedly.

"He's a ghost. You can't very well fire him," Neville sighed.

"Is Trelawney still 'predicting' students' deaths?" Hermione asked.

"Yup. One of her favorites is Jamie Zacherley, a fifth year Gryffindor, Neville said.

"So, what's up with Malfoy?" Hermione asked.

"I haven't seen him yet, but I heard he's engaged to Astoria Greengrass. And he seems to genuinely regret his past. McGonagall said that if it wasn't for his recent charity work, she wouldn't have hired him," Neville said.

"What charity work?" Hermione asked sceptically.

"You know, helping niggle-borns and that sort of stuff," he explained, "He's definitely trying to make up for his bullshit, but it's quite nice."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Orientation

It was still dark when Hermione woke up the next morning. It was nice to be back at Hogwarts, but she missed Ron, and she would like to ficus on her hypothetical political campaign. She quickly dressed in an old t-shirt she'd stolen from Ron, and a pair of gym shorts. She had to admit, she was excited to start teaching.

Hermione had decided to go for a walk, but when she got outside, she found Ginny, Malfoy, and another woman exercising.

"Hermione!" Ginny shouted, "Come exercise with us!"

"Where's Harry?" Hermione asked Ginny as she walked over.

"He's with James," Ginny explained.

"I am Astoria Greengrass," said the other woman suddenly, extending her hand to Hermione, "Draco's fiance."

"Hermione Granger," Hermione said, shaking Astoria's hand.

"Hermione," Malfoy said, suddenly hugging her, "I want to appologize for the nonsense I pulled in school. I was stupid, and I blindly listened to my parents' beliefs. I'm trying to be better, and I hope we can at least be acquaintances."

"Um... okay," Hermione said.

Then, Neville and Selena ran out.

"Don't start without us!" Neville shouted.

They stopped when they saw Malfoy.

"What's _he_ doing here?" Selena asked.

Malfoy walked over to them.

"Neville, Selena," he said, "I want to appologize for everything I did when we were in school."

"He really feels bad, doesn't he?" Hermione asked Astoria.

"Of course," Astoria said.

"I'm glad," Hermione smiled, "And congratulations."

"Thank you," Astoria said.

"Okay!" Ginny clapped her hands, "We're gonna run, but first we need to warm up! Everyone pair up!"

Neville ended up with Malfoy, Selena with Ginny, and Hermione with Astoria. They held each other's feet while they did sit-ups. Neil apparently thought his readers were idiots, because he thought it was necessary to describe sit-ups. I have faith in you guys though, so I'm not going to. Anyway, they then ran a few laps around the Quidditch Pitch.

A few hours later, there was a staff meeting in the Great Hall. Instead of the House Tables and the Staff Table, there was a table about half the size of the Staff Table and a smaller table with food and drinks.

Neville and Malfoy stood near the door, talking.

"Hey!" Malfoy called to Hermione, "Want a drink?"

"Sure," Hermione said, "Let's go together. I'm a little hungry."

They went to the smaller table. Ginny walked in holding James, followed by Trelawney. Selena was already sitting at the table eating, next to her sister, Eos, and McGonagall, who looked impatient. Hagrid and Charlie Weasley were in a corner discussing something (probably dragons) and Professors Vector and Sinistra (who are girlfriends now. I mean, they've been dating for a while, but- nevermind) where next to the bigger table. Then Professor Binns floated through a wall.

"Where is Professor Potter?" McGonagall asked Ginny.

Ginny shrugged, "He told me to go on ahead and he'd catch up."

McGonagall sighed, "Well, let's get started."

Just then, the door opened and Kingsley Shacklebolt walked in, followed by his assistant/ secretary, Emma Wrong (who looks a lot like Emma Watson).

"I appologize for my lateness," Shacklebolt said.

Then the door burst open again and Harry Potter ran through it.

"Sorry I'm late," he panted, "I got lost."

"Hi Harry! Welcome back!" Malfoy waved. Harry glared at him.

"Please sit down," McGonagall sighed.

Harry sat down between Ginny and Hermione.

"I'm here today to talk to you about the recent Death Eater activity," Shacklebolt explained.

"Doesn't that basically explain everything?" Harry asked.

"More or less," Shacklebolt replied, "All we know is that there have been a number of attacks on Muggles and Muggle-borns. The only reason we suspect Death Eaters is because witnesses described the attackers as wearing masks closely resembling those worn by the Death Eaters. Additionally, someone calling themselves 'The Great One' has made numerous threats to the Ministry. That is all. Good day."

He then left with his assistant.

McGonagall stood up.

"Although you likely remember teaching them, I would like to formally introduce your new colleagues. Ginevra Potter will be taking over Madam Hooch's position, Harry Potter will be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts, Hermione Granger will be teaching Transfiguration, Draco Malfoy will be teaching Potions, Selena Astra will be teaching Muggle Studies, and Eos Astra will be teaching Charms. Though the Potters and Ms. Granger are only here untill we can find permanent teachers," she said sitting down.

"Ms. Granger, can I speak to you in my office?" she asked Hermione when their meals aappeared on the plates.

Hermione's mouth was full, so she just nodded.


End file.
